I don't know why it's been so hard for me to finish Lesson 26. I remember the day well that I started attempting it--election day, November 4. The lesson has you think about what you are afraid might happen, and then say "That thought is an attack upon myself". For me, that would seem like a pretty great day for that lesson. I was nervous about the election results, the economic situation was grave--in short, there was plenty to worry about. But for some reason I just couldn't get through all the 6 practice periods required. I don't even think I made it through 3!
I've tried periodically to start again, and each time I just got derailed, for one reason or another. Things were very busy at work, so that was part of it. But really, all the lesson required was 12 minutes or less of my time in the whole day. It should have been easy. But it was not.
At my last women's circle, we talked about how that could happen. One of the women in my circle, who's had more experience with the Course than the rest of us, said that's happened to her from time to time. She said sometimes she's just skipped, trusting that the lesson would come back around. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, though. Maybe it's just the rule follower that I am, but I felt like I needed to do it right. Just one day. Then I could move on.
Today I think I've broken through, and I'm so glad.
Earlier on, when I was listening to the CDs more regularly, and doing better with the lessons, I had this experience of feeling like I was hearing answers to my questions. I don't know what it was. I felt afraid for some reason to test it or to make too much of it. Maybe it was just a projection of myself, or some wishful thinking. But I had some moments, when I felt so keenly that I just wanted this to work. I wanted to get to the end of the game, I felt the desire so strongly--to end the separation. To come home to God. I remember a couple of occasions when I was just like, "What do I need to do? How do I get there? What will it take?" And quick as a snap, the answer came to me: "Do the workbook." Just like that. After it happened the second time, I stopped asking. I knew that I just had to do this first, that there wasn't going to be any way around it, any shortcut, for me. I just had to do the hard work.
And then I got stalled! Stopped in my tracks. But I have been reading Absence From Felicity, the story of Helen Schucman written by Ken Wapnick, one of her original helpers with the Course and a long-time friend (as well as one of the Course teachers that Arten and Pursah identified as teaching the Course accurately). It's been keeping my head in the game, although I felt like I'd lost my forward momentum.
At any rate, tomorrow I'm off to a new lesson. And the adventure continues.
