Long time no see

I can't believe I haven't posted anything here since 2011. Can that be right? Apparently so, yet it astonishes me. A year or two maybe I'd left off, I thought, but here it is 2015.

I came here today in search of a story. A story I was sure I'd told here. But I can't find it now.

It was a story about misery and discord, about how my work had gotten almost unbearable. I didn't understand it; I'd had a good relationship (I thought) with my manager. I loved her. We'd spent years working together in close quarters. But all of that seemed like it had just gone to hell. I remember feeling so confused and lost. Wondering what I'd done wrong, but scared to ask.

This was almost 6 years ago. So all that is left are the bones.

I'd been working, here and there, on my ACIM workbook lessons. And also spending some time wandering around in the grassy patch behind the office trying to get my emotions under control. And asking a lot of "Why me" kinds of questions.

One day, I got an answer, and it just astonished me. I realized that the ONLY reason I was there, the only real reason, was to love these people. That was it. It was a big relief, in a way. It made everything very simple.

After I had that realization, it didn't solve everything, but my perspective changed. I started to feel like maybe it would be OK to stay. Within a month or two, my position was cut and suddenly I was out the door.

I felt some shock about it, of course. Some concern, about paying the bills and all that. But there was also part of me that was like, "You learned what you needed to learn here. Now it's time to move on."

Within a short time, I'd gotten a job offer from the organization I'd dreamed of working for for years. Not that it's been all roses, of course. (And how could it be, when it is life in this world?) It meant a big cut in salary and major upheaval in my life and my family's lives. And working with some amazing human beings—but human beings still. There are still plenty of forgiveness lessons to be found. And crazily enough, I feel thankful for that. Because I know in that is my hope—of awakening, of release.

In our ACIM study group, we read this text yesterday that I thought was so lovely:

When you have looked on what seemed terrifying, and seen it change to sights of loveliness and peace; when you have looked on scenes of violence and death, and watched them change to quiet views of gardens under open skies, with clear life-giving water running happily beside them in dancing brooks that never waste away; who need persuade you to accept the gift of vision? And after vision, who is there who could refuse what MUST come after? Think but an instant just on this. You can behold the holiness God gave His Son. And never need you think that there is something else for you to see. (T-20.VIII.11)

Sounds pretty damn good to me. Holy Spirit, let me see with your eyes, that I may be healed of my illusions and blessed with the sight that brings peace and wholeness. Amen.